Here I am again.

So here I am again, feeling numb and very anxious about the thoughts of what I ‘should’ be doing and who I ‘should’ be. I am exhausting myself with these thoughts that are really self destructing, I am trying to remember the techniques of how to stay calm but when I feel so tense and can’t breathe/function properly my brain can’t function to remember or even put these things into practice. I am so drained with life and the expectation of who I should be as a mother/daughter/friend/human.

My mind is on the go 24/7 and it is full of questions about the world and the future, I know that we cannot control the future but I just want some clarity about the person that I am becoming and the person that I will be. My brain really has to slow down before it crashes and I find myself paralyzed by this illness in full effect.

I tried tapping my pressure points last night when I was anxious and couldn’t sleep last night, it seemed to help, I saw it on a Reiki website as I am quiet interested in the holistic approach to illness, it was rather relaxing and I did feel myself let out a large exhale afterwards like my body was reminding me to breathe.. again.

It is a constant battle with mental health, when am I going to crumble? when am I going to recover? I don’t know to be honest. Days like this I can’t see the light and love in the world, I just feel numb and ashamed of myself for letting myself get to this point again.

 

;

So you’ve been birthed into the realm of motherhood, with everyone telling you what you should of.
“Should” of had a natural birth, “should” be breastfeeding, “should” be bonding more, when you’ve not even had time to explore. 

Emancipation from sickness, backache and sore breasts, but now is the time that your mind won’t get a rest. 

Night feeds, headaches, recovering from birth, expressing milk, pain, pain and even more pain but as you look at your new life you feel some sort of gain. 

Maybe not enough that you thought you would have felt. The mental illness feels like a really tight belt, suffocating joy and happiness from your heart; detachment from everything that once played a part. 

Numbness, entrapment, regret then guilt. These are all the feelings I’ve been familiar with. 

As your new life cries for only you, you feel like it’s a routine that you’ll never get through. 

Wondering if you will break the cycle of this demanding new role, you look at all the times in life you thought you knew “you”. 

Motherhood snaps reality into you like a punch in the gut, discovering new parts of yourself that can’t take a shortcut. 

Believe me it will get easier, these thoughts will fade as you get stronger and through it all you will create a love so strong, a bond through the illness with your little one. 

Take it slow Mama.

A poem for all you brave, strong, warrior mamas’  from me to you — stay strong and know you aren’t alone in this.  

How do I cope as a mentally ill parent?When my feelings of guilt and depression are so transparent. 

“Am I good enough? Am I doing this right? Does she love me? Am I kind?” all these questions run through my mind. 

It’s hard to shut these thoughts off and most nights I break down and cry all in all because I’m just too tired to try. 

The love for my child beams from me,But I’m dealing with this mental illness that constantly takes over me. 

My baby girl is all I’ve ever wanted, but some days, I just can’t tolerate the massive role that I’ve been appointed.
 

Inside my soul yearns for some peace and quiet but my toddler wants more and I can’t soothe her excitement. 

For now I must take slow steps with my journey of motherhood because I keep burning out because of all the things I think “I should of”. 

Dealing with this illness is a journey of highs and lows, It rocks you unsteady like a rough, rocky road.

Just as you think you’ve caught your breath it comes back with a vengeance and says “I’m not done yet”.

Take it slow mama, I tell myself but the urge to keep being a ‘better parent’ kicks in. 

“Take it slow mama”…I need to repeat those words, because before I know it my mind will implode. 

Mama’s just breathe and take it one day at a time because these days are important, they won’t come back this lifetime. 

As long as your baby is fed, clothed, cuddled, what more could your child need? Agreed?

Look after your mental health it’s cliché I know, but you are the only one who is going to get through this crossroad. 

Remember how great we are to be juggling all of this, mums with a mental illness its not a weakness. 

Just go back to that time when you saw those two pink lines and how magical it felt to be carrying new life. 

It will get easier as nothing lasts forever, keep positive, stay busy and remember there’s always someone to talk to when the dark clouds take over. 

Take it slow Mama. 

Relapse.

It’s ok to relapse and feel like a “failure” because the truth of the matter is. You aren’t a “failure” that’s your brain’s chemical imbalance feeding you negativity. 

I’m currently going through a relapse at the moment and I feel rubbish riding out this storm but I’m staying close to home and my daughter is picking on my low mood as she’s extra cuddly and snuggles me loads. It’s a shame that I can’t be 100% all the time but realistically, who is? 

I don’t wish I was a super hero; to be on form constantly because I take lessons from the universe in how to be a better person/mother by having these blips to analyse what’s good for me and what’s not so good for me. Whether it be my own destructive behaviours or toxic relationships. It’s all a lesson. 

I’m fine just snuggling up with my daughter for the next few days until this dark cloud passes AND I’m not going to feel bad for it as everyone needs to recharge themselves. If getting poorly makes me have to physically rest because my mind is exhausted then I won’t deny my mind and body that rest. You shouldn’t either. 

Today I can/can’t cope – battle of the mind.

Today I can cope,

I can cope when I wake up at 6AM with a sore eye and glands up as I’m run down.

 I can cope with the daily millionth tantrum that I’ve not done something right in her eyes for my nearly two year old. 

I can cope when I get fobbed off by health professionals that I’ll “be ok.” When I stress my mental health concerns. 

I can cope when I make lunch and my toddler decides to throw it on the floor as well as flood the bathroom floor. 

I can cope when I’m exhausted and just want to sleep all day because I’m mentally drained but my eyes need to watch my toddler. 

I can cope when I make a delicious cup of coffee but I get so busy running around it goes cold. 

I can cope when I have to sit through hours of kids TV. So much so the songs repeat in my head even after I turn them off. 

I can cope when I’ve got more bills going out than I have income coming in. 

I can cope when people are rude and dismissive to me. 

I can cope when I have to support others through their heartaches because it matters more that they are ok. 

I can cope when the person I love doesn’t know I love them. 

I can cope when all the chores need to be done but I have to do them as well as do everything else as a single parent. 

I can cope today and every other day because I am a Mum and I have inner strength to keep going for my child. Most importantly I am living and breathing to continue this journey of life. 

Bond with my Daughter after PND

My bond with my Daughter after suffering with PND is the most strongest and powerful bond I’ve ever had. She needs me but I need her too, more than anything in this world. When I gave birth it was a blur of medication and pain, looking over at her after she was born I felt nothing. I thought that was due to tiredness and it brings a tear to my eye to write this now, but I was poorly before I even realised – I was protective and nurturing towards her; I tried to breast feed and make sure she was happy and looked after but I couldn’t feel those butterflies that you are expected to have. I tried so hard. It didn’t work so I knew I needed help, after months of pretending everything was OK – one day I wanted to commit suicide because I thought she deserved better than me. (That was the illness talking). So I got help and was put under a community mental health team where they visited me once every day. 

I never thought when I was poorly that our bond would be as strong as it is today, but it is and that came naturally. With time and patience, I always wondered when I was poorly why I wasn’t overjoyed with all of this love and affection but now I have that for her a million times over.  

If you are a Mum going through the hell of PND just realise change won’t happen over night and it will happen when you are “right” mentally. You will get to share those special moments with your baby and you will feel that sense of love and excitement but you won’t feel it now because you are poorly and you need time to heal and recover. I never thought I’d be in the position I am now where I’m strong enough that I want to help others and being able to manage on my own as a single parent with mental health issues. 

I’m not saying it’s perfect now as I still have my down days of self doubt and depression but I am nowhere near as broken as I was and that’s because of self love and consistency with psychiatric appointments and medication. 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I just want every parent reading this to know that. 

Don’t get involved.

Do not get involved with toxic matters involving other people. The reason why they say there are ”two sides to every story” is because it’s true.

People are quick to run in and jump into situations that don’t involve themselves and why? because the EGO tells them that they need to defend their spouses/relatives/friends.

I have witnessed a situation recently where third parties get involved and if anything it just fuels the situation more because why would an already heated confrontation need mindless comments from someone else?

It is obviously necessary to get involved with human rights matters if you witness them – if you feel comfortable to do so, but in this article – I am on about the pointless drama where everyone feels they need to get their two pence worth in because their EGO tells them to.

What’s not okay is how this can effect someones mental health and make them feel more worthless than they already feel, surging adrenaline and sobbing in tears because they are too caught up in the opinions of others to box off the matter for what it is. (mindless drama) which will inevitably happen through out life.

What can you do to avoid getting sucked into this you say? well, avoid listening to EGO that you have to retaliate and defend yourself as the person that you are, because only you know your inner self and the person that you are because listening to these thoughts only leads to a slippery slope of misunderstanding yourself and getting caught up in a toxic situation.

When confronted with a toxic situation impending an argument;

Step 1: Take a deep breath.

Step 2: Assess the situation and where the person is coming from – most of the time there are other surrounding factors effecting the persons judgement (unless you are in the wrong then apologize.)

Step 3: Keep composed whilst managing breathing.

Step 4: Let them vent, if it is a comfortable situation to be in.

Step 6: Be versatile in your opinion and express yourself in a dignified manner.

Step 7: If all else fails and you are not being heard, leave the situation and tell them when they are ready to listen you will talk.

When getting involved in a toxic situation that has nothing to do with you;

Step 1: Mind your own business.

That’s all.

This is me, 4AM insomnia. Thoughts racing, wide awake. I have opened this page to discuss things that matter most to me – parenting & mental health,  it’s so important that the two are discussed and work in harmony with each other. I remember a time not too long ago when my mental health didn’t work so much on harmony with motherhood and it caused me to become really ill however I’m recovering and want to share my story and thoughts. 

Am I the only one who feels that postnatal depression isn’t well supported Birmingham,UK? please let me know about your area if it’s something that can be worked on as I want to hear opinions worldwide. 

It’s a real shame there’s parents out there struggling to come to terms with what should be the happiest time of their lives but they can’t because of a chemical imbalance that has wrecked the experience for them. 

Do you know what the worst thing is? When you try to “be okay” because there’s not much support out there for you to offload your true feelings. 

Well, I’m in the process of trying to find funding for a small community group in my local area and this has been extremely hard, hard in the sense that there’s no funding or support for a small unregistered organisation that I’m trying to set up – I’m  just trying to support local women in my community to offer support, a friendly face every week, somewhere women can come for a cuppa to feel ‘normal‘ (whatever that is). It’s a catch 22. I can’t get funding because I’m not a registered charity and to be a registered charity I need an excessive amount to register myself plus all of the legalities that are involved but I just want something small and consistent for Mums.  

Well, Im just a Mum who is trying to help other Mums realise that it is ok to be ill and lost in your journey of motherhood as there is no handbook or manual that will guide you into parenthood or motherhood with mental illness. It’s ok. I will keep fighting for this cause and to spread awareness of something that needs to be supported a lot more.